Doing Public

 My long time readers knows this but this blog was meant to be a getaway from my first blog which is closely known to my family. As I was going through pre-teen, I had issues that I don't think my family should know and it will continue to be just that. The catch is all those review and outfit post are going to my new refreshed first blog. Its called Behind Fleurs and I really really really hope y'all will come to check out. Its looks a lot simplistic but there is a reason so don't be surprised. Its a lot more ME and barely private like sweet_me here.

Another thing I want to talk about is my story here in this blog. As you all know by now I've have just went through more than a year long writer's block and just figured out why. My story wasn't really going anywhere that I like. I had a future and this really really cool time-lapse-and-how-everything-is-connected plot but leading up to there went the wrong way and ended up in so many detours. So I'm apologizing for this and announce the blog story here will end inconclusively and permanently. If you guys had question on where Damian, Joshua, Ever and Amber ends, I'd be happy to answer in the comments below. Thanks for your understanding and hope you all have a good month.

Giving a moment

   Something has happened. Like recently but although I don't feel much impact from it, I do feel I should give it something. My attention, my words, my thoughts and a bit of your attention. For I believe though in small amounts, this is the realest and honest way can I contribute. And I will do it right or at least to do the best that I can do it right. So I'm asking you again to just lend me something valuable, that is your attention however its depth you may give and again hope you bear with me for slowly I will reveal the general picture to you.

    When the new year greets you, you take it all in stride. You get used to the new faces, new routines and everything becomes normal, turning into your special pace. Soon you feel comfortable with how things are going but then you look up and realize you've gone through already more than half of the year. It is like walking out before dawn in the curtains of the night and suddenly you realize day had arrive within the clouds before you could notice. It is like when you were a child running and playing in a moment of pure glee and happiness but all at once fall knee scraped and tear faced without being careful. It is those moment when everything around seem to be in its place but in an instant it can change. It is an instant when apart of you is restored, sprout or even torn. A lot can happen within that instant, one second can shift things but a few can alter.

   Let's not touch restoring or gaining though, its the lost. When something is snatched from your normal life, it is that instant. In some ways I felt this but I was never in the danger zone, always in the safe one. So when the nuclear bomb take place, I find myself grazed, maybe pushed back a little but always in one piece compare to those who were closer to the bombing. I've no doubt in my mind that I too will experience despite my reluctance but I remain hopeful that its not soon. However it has happened, to someone who is my cousin and though I had never been close to him, I have never been treated badly by him either.

  Now there's always an outside perspective when something like this happens, that where I find most interesting and most contemplative. There were some fingers to blame when he entered the hospital. He was known for being a drunk but its not common to hear someone asking you to bring him to the doctor's right? But it was critical. Brain critical. It was solved and for the briefest moment of relief and cruelty, people thought he was gonna be okay again just as soon as they thought he was lost to them. Fingers were pointed. Someone who ignore him and didn't get him checked sooner whoever that is I am not entirely sure.  The blame was shifted not outspokenly but everybody knew everybody was judging but hoping only the best. Then thing were beginning to look up, they got it out of his skull. And the instant came again and it seems all its left from its terror was the inevitable. He was gone not long after. The fingers got less, what would it change anyway? It wouldn't bring him back and our life altered and environment changed. Who would the dog wait for if not for his master? Who would he play guitar with? These painful questions are all that's left.

  Now there is just hoping and praying he is in a better place. That he is without worry, doubt or anxieties and filled with peace and tranquillity. And that the living keeps him alive within themselves and heal. Everyone is not the quite the same as before, no one usually is. So I offer this fact, that he has left us his mark but reassurance from everyone and the good Lord know he has left to, as Thomas Edison described as his last words, a brighter place.

Updates

  Dear readers,
   
   What am I, a Form 5 student, doing on the computer for the whole Saturday when SPM is less than a 100 days left. And if you're wondering, I know the days cause my peers have their own countdowns of this day installed in their phones and it is through them that I have obtained this info. We've just finished the 3 day hols from last Monday due to Hari Raya and I still just am waking up from my funk from techno. The tablet is back in its tedious hiding place that is designed to tire me out if I were to concede to its application temptations and it has worked but it is this laptop which I have returned that now haunts me. Well almost fully. Almost. I've wanted to vent a very stressful and depressing and heavy feeling but I can quite put it in words or pinpoint the cause. Perhaps its the medium or pre-heavy stress from SPM and/or cumulative anxieties from other life factors currently happening around me but whatever it is, it needs to go. I have a driving class to ace and a examination to score. So my current goal is once I'm done with the computer today, I will not touch it tomorrow and so on. 


  I watched the movie "The Fault in Our Stars" and I thought it was good. They did it as closely to the books as possible but Malaysia being the one who mostly get their priorities wrong in censoring had prevent me on the hotel bed scene rather so abruptly that the censoring simply could not go without being mentally and critically brutalized. They showed the trailer for the movie "LUCY" which I understand already released in the US and reviews have led it me that it is expertly moderate, nothing special or bad but I am easily an amused person so I still tend to watch it despite my knowing of how it ends and what it was about due to sources aka my cousin who lives in US but don't worry I spare people any spoilers. Sort of.

   I have a general idea what my overall marks for my Mock SPM 1 is and I'm pretty sure its a C because ALL my subjects it seem to went down enough to sink a heart except for my Add. Math which I FINALLY passed WOOTS. However, I'm mostly burdened about my lower grade but at least I know what to do to fix it and what question I'm able to get down to. 

   I also have to find my Graduation dress for Grad Night which is on the end of October, weeks after my Mock 2. I did find one but they didn't had my size and the one I tried was a size too tight for me and I'm so pissed and down cuz this happened a month ago and I'm still kinda heart broken by this given that the dress was perfect. Even if I explain it to you, I can't truly explain my fondness of its design and since that dress, my search has been fruitless as my standard are a new high and shops simply could no longer reach it. Its from my all time fav fav FAV boutique in KK called Fairy Tale. They have my kind of taste and most of their stuff always have me leaving reluctantly. Granted their stuff is not cheap as they from Taiwan, Korea, Japan and etc but what makes it pretty unique is they have a small rack with a single piece from brands like Zara, Topshop, Forever21 and well you get the idea. Its not much but their legit and in great condition despite it being from an old collection. My Mom is currently the proud owner of a Zara baby blue sweater jacket that she gladly lends me occasionally and it is wonderful as I have a denim back laced dress by Topshop that we got from them. I went there today and they always seem to have new bundle of stuff most of the time and I'm loving the new collection of crop tops they got. 

   Aside from that, my brothers are stressing me out over what to do after SPM and I have a vague idea what I want to do but really my ultimate goal is to end up somehow in US and job opportunities there are mostly for engineers which I really don't want to become. So I'm conflicted and my brothers are pressing me for an answer which just add pressure to me and I am rushing myself to give them the answer but answer for their kind of question don't race to you, you have to spot it and its not so quick as well all like it to be.

   If you all don't know me, I'm the type whose stress can be seen when her face is about to be invaded by pimples. Small or big, I will surely have it and I do now. Especially on the left side of my cheek and chin as well as forehead. Its like a colony on my forehead, seriously. It gets serious when I am expressing my stress physically in a almost subtle way but not quite. People close to me can tell. With the fact that I haven't been running, my body is building to scream and I'm just trying to find solace by expressing myself here for in the words of Anne Frank, "Paper is patient" but in my case "Blogger.com knows no bounds in attentiveness". I am grateful to anyone who read this and if I put you off with my negativity I apologize and thank you for sharing in some way of my troubles. Now I feel lighter and I can be a little free-er and be on with a more positive attitude. The headaches still come though.

Updates

It's that 2 week holidays and loads have happened. I been through my mid-term exam which usually isn't impressive of results and though I had resolute to not let it be the same this year, I am afraid I had let it be so again. I'm far too scared to ask my teachers how I did. I joined Unduk Ngadau at school but trust me when I say it wasn't of my own choice. I did however did rebel a little from the typical pageant grace because no.1 I will never be that girl and no.2 I have this treacherous insecurity that me in these sort of events will make me feel the public will laugh AT me thus I choose the alternative, to laugh WITH me instead as it mends my confidence. I watched the latest X-men film annnnddd J-Law obvi killed it and the storyline was GREAT. Just when you thought MARVEL couldn't possible surprise you and take it to another level, they DO. Plus they follow the comic so A++ for the loyalty to originality. I'm really into two new TV shows called Orphan Black and The Resurrection from Life is Good channel. One is huge BBC American science based creative thriller that is a must watchh, especially if you like one about clones which is deliciously written here (the main actress for all the clones is a genius and a force to be reckon with and they are all americans yet they do so good at convincing me at least that their characters are legit Brits) and if you love those "really think about your humanity" stuff and total tear jerker, The Resurrection will make you wonder and cry throughout. I even read the book of the show and its different but conceptually similar. I think the TV version is better though. 


I've also been craving weepie and thought-provoking materials since The Resurrection and to amplify that crave, Grey's Anatomy S10 is on StarWorld and I'm going to die from dehydration due to crying all the damn time. Its not that I'm feeling sensitive or my hormones have spiked but I just been wanting that feeling where after you finish a good cry, you feel washed over and clean again. Like you let it out and the emptiness offers you sense of freedom and a kind of lightness. I've been jogging. Today I started again because exam totally made me too sleep deprived to get me moving for an early exercise but I began today with a blank mind and a heart full of emotions. I can't go into details what I've been through but lets just say I ran, not jog, this morning with pure anger, stress and anxieties as motivation. I finish 3 round under 30 minutes at Perdana Park. Sure I took rest and walk but I would start again after a little awhile in almost full sprint. I sweated all over, my limbs and legs wanting to give out and tempting me to let them be all jelly. I rested and sat too soon when I finished so I sore all over and got a headache but my heart was better. I felt like I released the bad vibes. I'm going again tomorrow morn. 

I've been wearing black and no I'm not turning anything remotely into a Baby Punk despite a couple songs in my playlist. Mostly because I feel fat and we all know black is just the most slimmest of colours and plus I don't work with a lot of dark so I'm taking all my leathers, denims, plaids and the swept to the side look. I have to say I'm real proud of my outfit creations. Right now I'm wearing a black silk tank with a high-waisted red plaid skirt and when I need to run errands, I take my denim jacket that goes just past my thighs that makes the whole outfit come together and add a masculinity to edge. 

I'll also be taking on some spring looks too since I'm starting to exercise and using the yoga mat for at-home workouts. Scrolled through some colleges in the UK and US thanks to the good gracing of a friend and told my brothers excitedly about because I discussed with the agent about Psychology majors and not Law. They are of course my permanent Devil's Advocate in life and cause more stress during the past few weeks. You think the horrid acne on my face is just exam but they contribute too. I'm also extremely frustrated with people who are friends of my families and when they ask what I want to do and I tell them Psychology to those who are close enough and "I'm not so sure" to those who aren't. And most of the time their replies are very factual and realistic which I don't mind but they never offer a hint that it is my choice or that my choice and/or unsureness were reassured to be smooth and I've feel so restraint without cause or good reason. They push their opinions on me, thinking it aligns to what I like and when I don't object (out of kindness to spare them from awkwardness had I told them they were wrong), they concluded they have me figured out. People like my Mom and good friends don't do this, they know me. We debate and discuss all on correct grounds. We have build an aptitude towards each other that we know what to say, what not to say and when. I feel less of constrictions with them than others, who makes me rather shoot myself than listen to them talk about my future. Literally.

 So here are a bit of updates to my creative work aside from styling new outfits, I just made a highlighter liquid. Its main ingredients is the highlight stimulant aka lime and coconut oil to moisturize and condition hair. Have yet to test it out but I will during one of my jogs in the morning where plenty of sun can start the lightening process. Will tell you the conclusive result. Also trying rice-based local facial masks and although it may be improving my pimples, it sure makes my face so smooth-feeling and supple which is something I love. Musicwise I am in love with Sia's "Chandelier" and the dancing girl in the video, really struck a cord in my heart, both of them. I've also been into "Carried Away" by Passion Pit, "Car Radio" by Twenty One Pilots (this is more expressive so if you're interested to check it out, look up the lyrics as you listen to it and you'll get it) and Two Fingers by Jake Bugg though it doesn't mean I like smoking, I just think this one is so damn catchy. I also like the recent known one like One Republic's "Love Runs Out".

Home

  I'm finally home. With my Mom's wrist finally getting healing to the point she can drive, I no longer have to stay in someone else's home. I'm thankful for my Uncle and Aunt but with having to stay for nearly a month, I felt to alienated there. The people there were great, I got to watch some good TV and I got to eat indoors which I prefer a hell lot for dinner most of the time but my cousin's and wife's room didn't feel right with me. I could sleep and everything but when I wanted to focus and study, it was hard for me to get into it. Being back today, I obediently cleaned the house like my Mom wanted to cause I felt right in my own zone again. My own world and I was homesick even though I didn't even leave the country.

  I can't quite describe you the totally uncomfortable and anxious feeling I get from staying too long at a home you knew wasn't nor look or felt like your own. It really made me think as what makes a home for you. If you all seen my red pencil case, you'll see a drawn on room of a sort with old vintage furniture and cool quoted posters. Bits of plants here and there too. I think if I had a home of my own, I clutter the place but try to keep a well neat system. I would paint my own wall or two, maybe like a nice gradient look. Thrift shop some nicks and knacks to pin on it. Watercolour some white cups or bowls for my jewellery. Comfy, artsy and completely conventional. My own wonderland. Thinking about it gives me a dreamy comfort.


   My first assessment is over and frankly the only 2 subject I feel I flunked was Add Math and Biology and I'm just so down by it but I'm gonna pray and hope and concentrate elsewhere. Like studying, homework, diy-ing, and improving some habits. Frankly though I've just been procrastinating when really I should get my act together by now to overcome SPM and to be ready for my driver's license and such. Oh me, can you successfully adult when the time counts on it? I waver on that question. 

But oh do I realize the difference at home. I'm a bit more creative here. I do more at-home beauty tricks like exfoliating with sugar. And I'm more likely to aspire to take photos as I realize the flower curtains with the sun behind it makes great lighting or the one square of space in my brothers room against the green bleach walls is perfect for a ootd selfies. Here's a pic at the parking lot in my hood, with no one around most of the time, its perfect for that street neighbourhood look that I crave for with certain outfits on. I've been learning how to braid or do my hair and this comes as a surprise as I long concluded that my hands that were usually great for creative purpose yet could only and barely handle simple braids. In other words, I was just a chaos with my hair. Now I find I can handle my mane better so I'm practising. At home, I can work, be productive, relax, and be inspired too. Plus, I've come to really appreciate my washing machine. I can control anything and everything. From the level of tumble dry, to specific temperatures of the water. My velvets, denims and laced clothes are simply getting the love they need to look like their still just purchased. I am one happy happy and content girl. For now.

Release

  Continuing off what I need to write off from before. Its less than 2 hours from typing this till New Year's Eve. Lots of people don't celebrate this as much, of course frequent annual celebrations like in New York and other places. Those who don't celebrate won't really feel the big deal out of this occasion but you can't escape from December's spell. You will always look back at the year and go through what you've been through which is always making you think "I've been through a lot.". I look back on my instagram and fill in the "deleted" scenes between them whilst remembering. Its overwhelming but 2013 is still an amazing year. Its a transition from a lot of things I'm used to and I don't think I'm finished. I'm still going through my metamorphosis. I'm no adult yet but it is said that the maximum age from teenager/young adult to just adult is 20 and I feel like I'm in the middle of teenager to young adult. I'm not even close to losing the "young" in some aspects of my mind set or habits or personality but I've feel I am bit by bit. But New Year's Eve, the last day till a new year begins. And as we say/kiss/whisper/mentally state goodbye to this year, we ready ourselves to embrace, to greet hello to the new year. So I like approach those reading before the New Year. 

  When we say goodbye, we have to do it proper. To let go some burdens in any form. Whether a bad breakup (friendship or romance), an embarrassing trauma, that horrible comment from someone about you that you can't forget. We let go. I like to visualize my "weigh" as something just going away from me till I can see it with imagination and the closing of my eye. Goodbye means that and it means also to gain a bit more freedom for yourself. You deserve it. Sometimes you even owe yourself that very act. Its not simple, easier said (or typed) than done but the results is worth it. Donating things you don't give much attention to helps in lifting things off you and give you the same lighter feel effect too. Charity. Forgiveness. Release.

  This is also a more special and in-the-moment time to be thankful aside from reflecting. Be grateful what you went through. That you achieved what you have achieved. That you gain memories and met the people you've met in your life. This is the time to celebrate that gratitude because not only can we be thankful, we can be in joy and bask in the good we have piled and collected. Best part is that you're not the only one, the people still standing by around you is going through this phase too. Why not hang together dressed up, with a bit more skip in your steps and good food and let good vibes run through you all the way till the tips of your fingers. Let it just emanate off you like you're wearing your heart out your sleeves.

  And as New Year's Day gets closer, we resolute. We take our new spirit and drive us to be better than the year that pass. To be good. To be kind. In all we do. We tell ourselves "I will be better" and sure the hype of this time even to those who celebrate New Year's Eve may not last through out the year but we resolute still. We strive and wish still. What is so wrong with the concept of wanting to be better?  Nothing. The whole of humanity continues to tell themselves to go another extra mile and we should commend ourselve at the difference we brought ourselves now from before. We are still the same yet we are not. For better or worse we change and that is unstoppable. So we make promises, meaningful ones. To ourselves, to those we love and care. Why? Because in each new year, we get a second chance at another year. A fresh start. Another slate to fill. The first page to write on a 365 paged book. Get rid of old bad habits like postponing errands or letting a chance go. Learn new patterns to etch in yourself like a thinking where we stop wondering "what if's" and think about "what will be". What could be instead of what can't be. Sure there are things out of our control but we still have a shot at it because we tend to forget what we can control. I mean, we have another chance to get it right this time people!

  So if you're not the type to celebrate New Year's Eve, make a tradition for yourself. A tradition/trend is always started by one person and soon the next after all. It really lifts your spirit, as equally as Christmas does. Eventually you get yourself somewhere with that tradition, soon you can even end up celebrating with someone too. Take it upon yourself to do things for yourself. To do things differently or making a difference. Be human, don't forget your roots. Refresh yourself! Jog, be healthy! And to get you into a more New Years mood here are some pointers.

• Listen to "This is the New Year" by Ian Axel or best uplifting and motivational songs of 2013
• Micheal Buble is a great companion before counting down to midnight
• Dress extra special or wear something that makes you feel good
• List 5 things newly good about you throughout the year or your major achievements or things you never thought you EVER do but DID it
• Be excited for another phase of endless possibilities
• Do and give something for others. A compliment or a smile goes a long way.
• Try and get an old promise/resolution done before the countdown, its more exhilarating and you are more likely to succeed to get it done.
• Whatever it is, do it. There are only so many tomorrow's
• You may or may not be a bit more rounder but you're sure as hell a bit more wiser
• The best is yet to come.

 And before I go, I never really talk about New Years and go for Christmas but I forget that I do especially celebrate New Year too. Being in the mood just makes me feel like spreading it to you guys. I'm going to celebrate tomorrow night, definitely counting down and taking candid shots. I wish you all many things for the New Year but above all, I wish you all happiness and prosperity! Ciao guys.

Closure

  There are numerous things I like to convey in this post. To mention some matters and relay more on others but we'll take a step at a time. Now usually I do a year-end-glanicng-back-and-learn-from-it post but like what I did last year by summing three years up, I will do the same next year because next year which is a week from now. I'll be turning Form 5, dealing with SPM, getting my driver's license, graduating with picking a prom dress at hand, and figuring myself out while preparing for my flight to USA until I get my SPM results back. I'm typing it like its a plan but really I'm shit scared at the countless unknowns but I do not ignore just the tinge of excitement found in the corner of my monochromatic heart. Though I'm not doing a look back of 2013, doesn't mean I'm not going to talk about what I've learned so far or was reminded of.

I like to say I discover a lot this year. Myself being one of my finds. I've discover more interest in DIY's, fashion, a bit of photography and editing however whats considered to be a passion would then be writing and fashion. Its almost taboo to discuss after it being discussed before about my ideals of being a full-time author. I know I could get a better and financially secure job while still writing but occasionally I can't help it. My mind wonders and before I could stress on not being able to stop it, it runs. Wherever it runs, I will think instantly. Its kinda like having anxieties and foolish ignorance in one room. Ain't that a party. I know now what I want to do more in the future. Projects that I hope to create or be a part of. I also relearned the heart of the human. I'm not saying I'm the epitome of Freud but you forget change is constant in every aspect of our lives. And this is a problem. Especially in our mindset in our relationships with others. To accurately explain to what I want you all to get. Here's a voice monologue from my one my favs, Grey's Anatomy. 

I literally went mute for about 5 minutes straight after reading this but this wasn't what reminded me, this just elucidate my experience this past year, to clarify them at one of its most truest forms. And when you begin to accept this very true fact of life, slowly or at your own pace, you feel lighter. This was one clarity I hope to never forget. When there is change, there are possibilities of anything and its size is infinite. For better of for worse, we are stuck to change by the hip. So why not make the most of it?

Next is the comfort zone. It is sometimes vital for us to cross the line of boundaries for it is within 30 seconds or more of such courage can we discover more about ourselves. I'm trying so hard not to be cliche but that ship sank long ago when I started this blog so screw that for this time cause this is real. To thread on an adventure, a path we know not, would mean to journey on with the goal of finding our calling in mind. To find where we belong and are meant to be. Sure, what suppose to happen, will happen. Not sooner, not later. However, we need to make effort from our end to pursuit it. No pain, no gain. Simple as that, and yet many times we sit in what is familiar, we lay lazy in what we have known so well and feel so comfortable in. But it is not in the familiar do we grow. It is not in the use of an old key are we able to open a new door. We just exist in so much comfort and simply existing is awful, one of the height of tortures. Imagine Sherlock Holmes ( Benedict Cumberbatch or Robert Downey Jr., whichever your heart desires, they both are tantalizing to the intellectual senses ) who has no job at hand. He doesn't figure out murders or he isn't chasing after Professor Moriarty. He will be insane and not in the usual good kind. It does not do for me nor I truly believe even for you, my readers, for us to be in a state of stagnation such in a way that it stresses badly on us more so than we are busy with work. Its like we agree we love to do nothing but at the same time we can't do nothing either. We are made to function, to DO. It is undeniable. 

So there are more to type but I will leave that on the next time as that would mean there is a next time to look forward to. If you have an opinion of your own just comment here that you post about it! Hehe, bye guys!