Determination

I realize about Mum's life when she got married. She didn't really love her first wedding. She was Kadazan. My Dad was chinese. On her wedding day, a friend of hers once said "Luckily you don't know chinese!". Why? My Dad's side of the family never really like my Mum. Especially my aunts. Dad's parents didn't mind and treat her kind but its had you know? She helped my uncles and aunts in some many things. Yet they gossip her like that. When I was still a primary school, she always said things to me about what they did to her because I love my cousins from their side. She wanted to warn me to no be so vulnerable to them.

She suffered even from her side of the family. Where they were sometimes short of money and whenever she lent them, they never paid back. She standing up for herself and for me so I don't have to be like her. The only people from her side of her family was her bro's wife. She understands mum more than anyone and when I need a real "sister" about these things it would be her daughter as well. Sam. Who I won't have for long cuz next year she'll be out there having her own life.

I can feel my Mum's pain at times and I don't want to end up like my Mum. I want to have my own career. I want to take her to a places away from those people. I don't want to be hurt or to help people like them. I want to live my own life. I want to go to university. I went to write romance books. I want to live a life where daggers won't be stabbed right behind me. I want to be around people I can trust. I want to be determined to be strong, to be a better person and to be succeeding in thins I want to do. I want to do this in the right process. I don't dropping out of school and run away. I want to properly escape before I fall to a hell hole.

I'm crying as I am writing this. Maybe I'm scared? Maybe I might regret this but my Mum who has loved me more than anyone else in the family. Its unbearable and its so frustrating at times. I'm stuttering as I'm reading this back. I have a hard shell but I'm still human. Oh God please guide me I ask this through Jesus name amen!