To Lonelyness

I won't write or type out I fully understand what you're going through because I don't, that isn't the truth. And I won't tell you that theres people with bigger problems like nuclear war or starving African kids because it won't erase the fact you're still feeling depressed about it. I will say that I can relate to the pain that people who you really love can inflict. Whether a parent slaps a child or a best friend stabbed you in the back, the worse kind of pain isn't the physical action they just inflicted, its the emotional attack they did that really gets you to your knees and make tears form. And you try to blink it back. You try resist it by clenching your first or biting your lip. And you order everyone out your room so you can sob into your pillow so they won't hear you. Cause simply don't want them to know.

And its alright because sometimes people do feel that way. Sometimes you feel Life like its caving in on you. Cornering you. Sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they want to just curl up in a ball, and go into that place between life and death. Saying "I don't want to exist" isn't saying "I want to go die". Its saying: "I wish that, for the time being, I could go somewhere and not have to feel."I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I went through a phase like that and to express it, I would write dark phrases and drew blood and blades on a piece of paper. I would then discard them in the trash so no one will find out but eventually it wasn't enough and you'll find yourself expressing it through how you act and move and people will notice. My tuition teacher thought I was acting up weirdly lately and found a scrunched paper of my black letters in her trash bin. Thats what I call them, black letters. And gave it to Mom and we had this talk about how unsatisfied I am and how I could not take the pressure and lecture and scolding back at my Chinese Hell School. Yes, I named that too. Since then, I have refused every thought that would leave me feeling familiarly suicidal and so far I'm slit-wrist clean. I was much vulnerable then, still am now but only I've gained some strength. 

Life has never been nor never will ever feel obligated to give us the thing we expect or deserve but never let it effect you badly for long. Take your time kay? Cuz its all temporary and I find it admirable you didn't do anything when it happened because you could've have risk doing something you regret for a long time for something thats only temporal. So hats off to you for that. That takes a lot of strength to muster.

And like strength, you might also find or be reminded of the good things out of all the horrid and bad. The things that people should smile more about. Lift their spirit knowing it and remembering the beauty of it that will allow the dark to creep at you but never allow it to win over you. And this is all I can say and I pray from the depths of my heart for you. 

And here are a couple of songs you I thought might company you well. Little talks and I know you care. Don't see it as songs of a love of boy and girl but instead see it in different relationship or like in your situation. I highly suggest you listening to them when you're alone and the music is just about the right volume that its like the only voice in your room that just speaks to you. Its one of my comforts and I hope it greatly acts as yours as it does me.