Christmas and my future

I know its late and I already did my greeting but I haven't told you what I did for Christmas right? Well I went to church with my wonderful new lace dress and it was nice to just see the little stable my church made where laid statues of a Shepherd, Mother Mary, Joseph, and of course little baby Jesus and I donated RM50 to the Church. I remember how every year I get excited to see the baby Jesus they put in the church and standing in front of it this year, I didn't get the same feeling. I felt nostalgic as if I haven't seen if for years and it was then I felt overwhelm by it too. Overwhelmed by a statue that stare up as if knowing the greater things out there that visible to only its eyes alone.

Later that evening I went home and relaxed around with my bro till we had to go dinner with my cousins and her family. Everyone was having fun and I can't say I was involve in it a whole lot because I was busy realizing something. On the table we all sat, I look at my brother. He was trying to earn enough money to get a degree and hopefully getting a higher paid job so he can travel the world more and have fun with life. Heck he's even counting all our financial budget within 20 years for now. He's planning the hopeful future he wants. Then I look next to him, my cousin, Geraint, who is couple years older than my brother. He was gonna get married next year. Engaged this year to a beautiful girl from a different type of Kadazan family. He also plans to maybe work back in Germany again or find a nice job in KL where he can live with his lover. On the next is my Uncle and Aunt. Uncle did odd jobs that requires the skills of a villager and it was pretty much all he spent his days as he watches his kids grow. Happy and knowingly peaceful at the sight of his children. A feeling I've never understand till I'm a parent. My Aunt still works as a clerk. She travels here and there as well as doing the mothering with her yound adult daughter/ my cousin, Samantha. She seem awfully happy and at peace too. Enjoying the pace of her life as she watches her children "moving" on they're on with her husband. Then it was Samantha. She is almost finishing her course in Culinary school and she probably might go to University to learn to be a stewardess for an airport. Her desire to experience life and culture to discover herself are enviable and I wish I could be experiencing it with her. Then there was my parent. My beautiful, strong and charming mother who is retired, is simply is trying to find old friends to chat her golden days as well as finding hobbies to spend her time as all she does is send me to school and watch me grow. She pays for my education that I not always appreciate and she has the eyes of expecting her ending all to which I fear so much that I cry at the mere thought of it. She too is trying to experience life in general by travelling. My Dad who gives me allowance and spending waffles of cash on expensive medicines that I'm not even sure is worth it. Still lost in his own maze of old fashion tradition, having yet to find the meaning of life and knowing that he thought might someday greet death, he would not feel happiness at the very last breath saddens me heavily.

Then there is me. The me that is gonna turn fifteen years old within 4 months from now. The me that will have to pick what stream she has to go for and give up a lot of teenage pleasures in order to accept the beauty and reality of life and to capture my dreams. The me that has to grow up and get out there. Truth be told, the me that shops, plays and jokes around are just my way of enjoying life as well as rejecting it at the same time. I need to get out there now. I need to abandon my childish self for some time and to get out there. Out in the world that I suddenly feel like knowing more of and it starts now. I'm fed up of this now. I'm tired and its time to find something worth more doing and do only way to abandon the stuff that aren't no more worth to do and do something better is that I need to help myself. I can't expect someone to do things for me anymore. I gotta do it on my own from here on out. I have to be my own hero. If you notice I made the bolded words pop more to show what each person is doing in they're lives. Some are spending whats ever left of it. Other are planning to do what they want with the amount of time they still have left and it would be great if you guys commented what YOU want to do in Life.